fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
