Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
