My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
