I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The power of my boobs compel you
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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