How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
