hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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