Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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