If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
