either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just threw up on my dentist
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
