well I can't set my house on fire every night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
