if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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