my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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