Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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