I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
