i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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