i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
