Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
