My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
