he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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