I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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