I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
