On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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