My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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