I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
