have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
