Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
