im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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