i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
