cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My pussy is not your playground.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
