If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
