when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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