i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
