my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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