1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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