party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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