there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
