I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
nutella sex= disaster
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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