I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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