Umm I'm too high to move.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
