Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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