They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
