Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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