Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Randomize
