Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
