is your mom at the bar?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
