my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
