I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
