I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
