Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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