To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
