I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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