it wasn't lemon gatorade
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
