I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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